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Monday, January 28, 2013

Happy Birthday to the Hubs: A Love Letter

The Hubs is having a birthday this week.  He is turning the big 3-9! In light of his special day I thought I would dedicate an entire blog post to him.


To The Hubs: Just a few of the Reasons I Love you:

-You always smell good, even your armpits. That is about where my head lands when we hug, and no matter what, even your armpits smell good, now that is awesome.
-You never gripe about my driving, even though sometimes I can see you stepping on your imaginary brake pedal in the floor, or holding your breath a bit, you never say a word to me.
-You allow me to call your dog a "Hobo" and a "Jackass" while I call my dog "Princess" and "Pretty Dog." And he is your dog when he is escaping our 6ft fence, he is our dog when he is being cute and cuddly.
- You work hard at work, and work even harder at home. Even when you have worked until 4am, you insist on accompanying me to a 4 year old's birthday party that is a 2 hour drive away. You wouldn't dream of sending me on without you. (Even though I offered)
- You play guitar and sing loudly in our kitchen, I love your singing voice, and the way you never get all the words quite right.
- Your muddy cowboy boots are always by the back door.
-Your hands were shaking the night you asked me to marry you, even though you knew I would say yes.
-You bring me flowers you cut from our back yard.
- You talk in cartoon voices, and muppett voices, and "odd random people we make up stories about as we observe them on the side of the road"- voices.
- You tickle the monkey's armpits when you dry him off after his bath, and he giggles until he farts.
- You always open my door.
- You send me text messages randomly telling me I am beautiful or that you love me.
- You make a collosal mess when you cook, but your food is always amazing.
- You once made me a birthday cake entirely out of Little Debbie Zebra Cakes.
-  You talk to the baby in my belly.
- You hold my hand in the car.
- You kiss the back of my neck while I am cooking.
- You let me pick the TV show, even though I fall asleep on your lap after about 10 minutes.
- You ride home from work with me, even though it would be easier for you if you didn't, just so we can have 15 minutes of kid free time to talk. We usually have to create an agenda for our rides home, but I love that you help make that time.
- You love my family, and love spending time with them, and have brought me closer to my own parents.
- You read my blog everytime I post, and always leave me comments, and then tell me in person you commented.
- You are my best friend, my biggest fan, and my rock. And I still have the hugest crush on you.
Happy Birthday Honey.
{The Hubs and The Monkey, making "angry faces" while wearing oven mitts on their heads}
{Our best family photo ever}
{The very first picture we took together, in front of your police car, in a parking lot, how romatic ;)}

-The Hubs and I have a special place in our hearts for parking lots, we met and talked for the first time in a parking lot, the moment we fell in love was in a parking lot, and I told him I was pregnant with our baby in a parking lot. Parking lots is where we take care of business....wait that sounds wrong...dang it....


Thursday, January 24, 2013

Pregnancy Confessions

This may sort of be like Taxi Cab Confessions, but without the hookers and sexual content. Although, who knows with me. (Just kidding mom)
 
At 10am I got so hungry that I ate an entire bowl of chicken and dumplings that I actually packed for the Hubs' lunch today.  He unwittingly left it my truck this morning.  I found it under my seat, therfor it became mine. And eating it at 10am, seemed like a good idea. This is after I have already eaten a blueberry donut and a hot and spicy kolache at around 07:30 am. I still have lunch plans at noon with one of my work collegues. I am certain I will eat something then too.
 
And now, I am so tired, I am seriously debating taking a nap at my desk. I feel as if I might die if I do not sleep. Have you ever been that tired? Where you could either fall into a coma or sleep, both are strikingly similar.
 
Amazingly, I have lost weight this week. This I attribute to a stomach issue I dealt with earlier in the week. (And no, I am not TRYING to lose weight while pregnant [obviously donut girl] I am just mentioning that it happened...don't send me nasty emails about the female body image and how I am starving my baby. It will eat again in 2 hours, I promise) 
 
By the way, I recently discovered that the key-word search that brings the most people to this blog is "poop" and "attractive higschool jocks." So I thought I would throw in a poop reference as to give the people what they want. Read between the lines, stomach issue= poop.
 
I wonder if people are seriously dissappointed when they are referred to this site when Googling "good looking highschool jocks" ? I referred to them in a NyQuil induced rant about stocking stuffers and a sewing project. Bummer.
 
I picture a middle aged lonely housewife with 20 minutes to herself, while the kids nap and the dishwasher drowns out the sounds of her sorrows.  She's thinking "well momma needs a few minutes of computer time...what to Google..oh! how 'bout a little eye candy.." Then, boom, she gets me.  Weird lady who blogs about poop, and compares highschool jocks to stocking sutffers. And now tells you that she ate 4000 calories before lunch. I can see the dissappointment on her face. It makes me sad. Sorry lonely housewife, care for a jam recipe? No.... I figured not. Well, enjoy reading about my son's poop explosion instead, in case you missed your own kids poop for the 20 minutes you had to yourself today, you can read about mine.

I feel bad for the housewives.....so.... just to give them a little somethin' somethin' back...here ya go ladies.......
{Handsome Cowboy on a Bike}
 
 



Sorry, I couldn't resist...wonder how many more lonely housewives I can dissapoint with that caption under the picture. Bet they still think he is handsome though.
 
My Monkey learned how to pedal his bike all on his own this weekend, and how to turn corners.  Well, AFTER he crashed into the neighbor's garage door, and then her car, while she was watching, and while it was my turn to catch him before he hit both. Yeah, I kinda fell down on my job...sorry, I was probably thinking about donuts or a nap, or how I could take a nap while still eating a donut.
 
I am 14 weeks pregnant, in full blown maternity clothes, and now eat constantly. Everyone says "you haven't gained weight anywhere but your belly! You are skinny everywhere else". I think they are all lying. However, my dear friend Amy gave me an honesty that I can only expect from her.  As I stuffed a pulled pork sandwich in my mouth and bitched about how fat I felt, she told me "well, it is all in your belly, you haven't gained anywhere else."  I told her everyone said that and I thought they were all lying.  To which she replied, "hah, well not me, if you were fat everywhere, I just wouldn't say anything.  You would say you felt fat, and I would compliment your shoes."  True friends are hard to find. She is a good one, she is honest, and takes me out to eat once a week. Damn, I should send her a card.
 
PS- Wonder how many people will find this blog now that I mentioned hookers and sexual content....Ha! Enjoy my jam making recipes and pictures of my baby clothes organization perv-o. Go call your mother.

Monday, January 14, 2013

It is Never Too Late to Live Happily Ever After

As more people who are not family begin to read this blog, I thought I should explain all the craziness that is my little hen house. And by "all" I mean the three ladies who read this who aren't related to me by blood and have not known me since birth. Sheesh, can't ever get a break from the masses of fans, I feel ya Kim Kardashian.
 
Anywho, allow me to explain how the Hubs and I,  came to be, and why our little family is so awesome.
 
So, our little love story began at work, where the hubs and I mutually stalked eachother until one day "running into" eachother at the coffee maker. This seemed like a perfect oppurtunity for the Hubs to walk me to my car, and spend the next 45 minutes talking to me about non-sense just so that the conversation wouldn't have to end. I left the parking lot that day consumed with thoughts of him. I texted him a week later, on his work number (the only number I had) to which he replied giving me his personal number. Hah! Score! I was in!! We haven't stopped blowing up eachother's phones since.
 
Yes, I am pregnant with our first baby. Yes, my Monkey is 5, and is my son. No, I did not give birth to him, nor did we adopt him. Stay with me...focus...He came in the form of a dowry of sorts when I married the Hubs.
 
There they were, two scruffy bachelors, clunking around the house in a diaper and boxers, eating random hot dogs out of the freezer, needing a lady in thier lives. I knew the Hubs and Monkey needed me when the Hubs asked me if I thought sending the Monkey to day-care for the third day in a row in the same outfit would get CPS called on him. "I mean, I washed it" he said.... I went to Walmart that night and bought my "new boyfriend's" child, who I was not yet allowed to meet, a new shirt and a pair of pants. That's when I knew, they needed me. The Monkey was still in diapers when I met him, and so, in my all knowing opinion, if you potty train a child and clean their poo out of your carpet at 5 am, you officially become their parent, no matter what biology says. So, the Monkey is my oldest son, this new baby will be my first biological child.
 
Neither the Hubs, or me, are new to this whole marriage thing. Gasp! What what! This wholesome couple who farms chickens and makes homemade jam are.........*judgemental whisper voice* ....divorcees....yup. Couple times. We didn't get it right the first time, and so, we learned some valuable lessons and put those lessons to good use this time.  This is what my mother, has lovingly coined 'husband school.'  My mom jokes that the Hubs must have gone to husband school, as he always knows the right thing to do, or say, or when to just be quiet and get me the ice cream NOW. This I chock up to his past....whisper voice...divorces. Husband school has made my amazing Hubs the awesome partner I have today.
 
Oh but there is more..I also have another daughter, who is 14, soon to be 15. Sissybug lives with us too.  She is The Hubs' from his first divorce. She chose to live with us last summer, and we have been blessed to have her ever since. And to be completely truthful, Sissy doesn't make the blog often, well, because, she is so low key that their really isn't much insanity to write about. She doesn't poop on the carpet, or talk about Big Balls in public. She just does her homework, does her chores, and plays on her computer. That. is. it. When I tell people that I married a man, with children, and that his 14 year old daughter came to live with us, I usually get the gasp, followed by the "oh, you tough brave woman" hand pat. However, not the case with Sissy.  She is 14, and probably one of the sweetest people you will ever meet. She has never once uttered the words to me "you are not my mother" she has never rolled her eyes at me, and has never answered me with anything other than "yes ma'am", even when I am telling her someting I know makes her want to scream. Yup, I couldn't ask for a better behaved daughter. Disclaimer** She starts drivers ed next fall, check back with me then, I will have a new baby, and a kid in drivers ed, let's see how fun those days are....
 
The Hubs also has two other daughters who we don't see very often. They choose not to live with us, and one only visits occasionally, but that is thier choice.
 
In the beginning- The Hubs and I dated quietly for a few months until he was transferred to a different division, and we felt it was PC to "come out." During that time, I was not allowed to meet his kids. I heard all about the Monkey, and the girls, but meeting them would take time. That is how I knew I wanted this man to be the father of my children. Although at the time, we had both sworn off three things: falling in love again, marriage again, and any more children.....Bahahah! Anyway..back to the soap opera.... The Hubs didn't want them meeting me, and getting attached and then me flaking out, or breaking their hearts or whatever. So for a  few months we snuck around like highschool kids on prom night. No seriously, like ninja style sneaking out of windows before kids woke up, and covert James Bondish parking around the corner  type stuff.  Sissybug has no shot at sneaking a boy in, we mastered it. I met the Monkey first, and immediatley fell in love as he destroyed my 'single girl with lots of breakable knick knacks' apartment. I eventually got to meet everyone else in due time.
 
So that is us. Insanely happily, stupidly gushy, kissy face married couple- who both have done this thing before and failed spectacularly. Full time parents to two kiddos who rock our world everyday. And expecting parents to a new little alien, who continues to excite and scare us. We are a typical American Family.
 
The Hubs and I live by a motto, in fact it is stenciled on a plaque in our kitchen.  "It is never too late to Live Happily Ever After" and we really believe that. We both have a past, and it aint rainbows and unicorn farts, but it shaped who we are, and made us into better people, and for that, we are thankful.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Is she fat...or is she pregnant?

 
I am at a really fun stage of pregnancy. Not only fun for me because I finally do not get my daily "oh God, I might puke any moment, holy crap my upper lip is sweaty, breathe, breathe" moments any more. But, because I am at that awesome stage of "is she fat or pregnant?" Why, you ask, would I find this stage awesome....well, let me give you a little insight into the strangeness that is me and my sense of humor.
 
Don't be scared, I know, frightening, but courage is pressing on even though you are scared.
 
If you read this blog enough, you know that one of my character traits is finding the hillarity in our everyday, mundain lives. That is what it is all about right? I would be so bored if I didn't find ways to entertain myself with the norm. I can find humor in almost anything.  Mostly myself. Well, and the poor Hubs, he gets called out a lot too. (Love you Honey).  Thus why I find this whole stage of pregnancy hillarious. Anyone who doesn't know for SURE that I am pregnant, has the same thought "is she fat?  or is she pregnant?" And since I pretty much don't really give a crap what strangers are thinking about me, this stage is fun for me, because I get to make other people I do know squirm.
 
First let's set the scene shall we?  I work in Emergency Management. Very vague and governmental, yes, yes, very top secret. No, basically we help manage large emergency scenes by coordinating efforts with local fire departments and police agencies and keep everyone communicating and on the same page. I also do a lot of training.   So, most of the people that I see regularly are firefighters.  Mostly men. Mostly freaked out by some lady who they have met several times..... and now, um, uh, is she fat, or um uh, is she pregnant, um uh. Oh God I think she just caught me looking at her belly! Ha!
 
I had the pleasure of inducing such a hillarious reaction yesterday.  My office filled with firemen for a class I would be helping facilitate yesterday morning.  Several of these firemen I have known since I began working in this field, and call many of them my friends. However, a pregnant lady, friend or foe, is still scary to most men. This I know. So as many of my old pals filed in, awaiting class to start; I caught two sweet souls looking quite uncomfortable. Both told me "Good morning, good to see you again!" And quickly glanced at the belly. Hah! I totally noticed. And they totally were thinking "Oh GOD! She totally noticed, shit, is she preganant? Or is she just fat? Oh jeez, poor thing, way too much eggnog."
 
I was dying inside. I could feel their awkwardness. The room got noisy, and more old fire pals filled the room awaiting our riveting topic of how to use a new computer program. When in strolled a very sweet Fire Cheif who has 12 grandchildren himself. He and I go way back. He knows I am pregnant. The story of how he came to find out is equally funny.
 
A side note:  We recently did a disaster training exercise together, me and the old Chief. During this exercise, we filled a burn building with "fake smoke" and put our trainees in the room to test their skills. Me, not wanting to be a "pansy girl" dove right in the room with him, critiquing their work, and training as we went. But then it dawned on me, um, should I be in this "fake smoky room" at 5 weeks pregnant? What is in this stuff anyway?  So I confided in the sweet Fire Chief. I whispered to him, in the middle of our live training exercise "um, what is in this smoke, is it safe to breath?"  To which he replied "Heck I dunno, why?" Me: "Um, I am pregnant, and um..."  Him: "Well get out of here silly!!!! and Congratualtions!!!"  All said while he was shoving me out the door of our "burning building."
 
Back to poor awkward firemen waiting for this 'damn class to get started already so we can get away from this scary lady who may or may not be fat or pregnant.' In comes the Chief, who loudly boasts, "Well how are you! And how is that new little one! Growing I see!" He gives a sweet grandpa hug and points at my belly.
 
I could literally FEEL the awkward firemen relax.  I could literally READ their thoughts "OH THANK GOD, yes she IS pregnant, oh Geez!" 
 
Bahahahahahah!!!!!! I was dying inside. I love making other people uncomfortable, for the sake of humor. Is that wrong?  Oh well, if it is wrong, I don't want to be right.