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Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Is she fat...or is she pregnant?

I am at a really fun stage of pregnancy. Not only fun for me because I finally do not get my daily "oh God, I might puke any moment, holy crap my upper lip is sweaty, breathe, breathe" moments any more. But, because I am at that awesome stage of "is she fat or pregnant?" Why, you ask, would I find this stage awesome....well, let me give you a little insight into the strangeness that is me and my sense of humor.
Don't be scared, I know, frightening, but courage is pressing on even though you are scared.
If you read this blog enough, you know that one of my character traits is finding the hillarity in our everyday, mundain lives. That is what it is all about right? I would be so bored if I didn't find ways to entertain myself with the norm. I can find humor in almost anything.  Mostly myself. Well, and the poor Hubs, he gets called out a lot too. (Love you Honey).  Thus why I find this whole stage of pregnancy hillarious. Anyone who doesn't know for SURE that I am pregnant, has the same thought "is she fat?  or is she pregnant?" And since I pretty much don't really give a crap what strangers are thinking about me, this stage is fun for me, because I get to make other people I do know squirm.
First let's set the scene shall we?  I work in Emergency Management. Very vague and governmental, yes, yes, very top secret. No, basically we help manage large emergency scenes by coordinating efforts with local fire departments and police agencies and keep everyone communicating and on the same page. I also do a lot of training.   So, most of the people that I see regularly are firefighters.  Mostly men. Mostly freaked out by some lady who they have met several times..... and now, um, uh, is she fat, or um uh, is she pregnant, um uh. Oh God I think she just caught me looking at her belly! Ha!
I had the pleasure of inducing such a hillarious reaction yesterday.  My office filled with firemen for a class I would be helping facilitate yesterday morning.  Several of these firemen I have known since I began working in this field, and call many of them my friends. However, a pregnant lady, friend or foe, is still scary to most men. This I know. So as many of my old pals filed in, awaiting class to start; I caught two sweet souls looking quite uncomfortable. Both told me "Good morning, good to see you again!" And quickly glanced at the belly. Hah! I totally noticed. And they totally were thinking "Oh GOD! She totally noticed, shit, is she preganant? Or is she just fat? Oh jeez, poor thing, way too much eggnog."
I was dying inside. I could feel their awkwardness. The room got noisy, and more old fire pals filled the room awaiting our riveting topic of how to use a new computer program. When in strolled a very sweet Fire Cheif who has 12 grandchildren himself. He and I go way back. He knows I am pregnant. The story of how he came to find out is equally funny.
A side note:  We recently did a disaster training exercise together, me and the old Chief. During this exercise, we filled a burn building with "fake smoke" and put our trainees in the room to test their skills. Me, not wanting to be a "pansy girl" dove right in the room with him, critiquing their work, and training as we went. But then it dawned on me, um, should I be in this "fake smoky room" at 5 weeks pregnant? What is in this stuff anyway?  So I confided in the sweet Fire Chief. I whispered to him, in the middle of our live training exercise "um, what is in this smoke, is it safe to breath?"  To which he replied "Heck I dunno, why?" Me: "Um, I am pregnant, and um..."  Him: "Well get out of here silly!!!! and Congratualtions!!!"  All said while he was shoving me out the door of our "burning building."
Back to poor awkward firemen waiting for this 'damn class to get started already so we can get away from this scary lady who may or may not be fat or pregnant.' In comes the Chief, who loudly boasts, "Well how are you! And how is that new little one! Growing I see!" He gives a sweet grandpa hug and points at my belly.
I could literally FEEL the awkward firemen relax.  I could literally READ their thoughts "OH THANK GOD, yes she IS pregnant, oh Geez!" 
Bahahahahahah!!!!!! I was dying inside. I love making other people uncomfortable, for the sake of humor. Is that wrong?  Oh well, if it is wrong, I don't want to be right.


  1. Just a very short excerpt from the man laws we are all taught by our fathers: "NEVER ask son. If she's pregnant, she'll tell you. If she's not, pretend there's a skydiving platypus landing somewhere in the room but for Heaven's sake....Don't ask".

    Good rule to live by!

  2. I once asked a girl who was like OUT there if she was pregnant. She looked me right in the eye and shook her head. Then a couple months later I saw her pushing a stroller. I never ask that question now. :)
    -Leilani the Clyde Woman