Search This Blog

Friday, April 12, 2013

Don't underestimate the Granny

Sooooo..I decided to enter the County Fair this year, and submit my "Peach Cobbler" Jam and my Whole Wheat Blueberry Muffins.  I was only allowed to enter one thing in each category, so I chose "canning" and "bread from scratch." Two things I have blogged about here, and think I don't suck at.
I agonized over which jam flavor to submit.  My apple jam has won RAVE reviews from my family, but the last batch I made didn't gel quiiiiiite right, so I wasn't going to submit an imperfect product. So I went with my peach cobbler jam instead. I also decided to enter my whole wheat blueberry muffins made with buttermilk and whole ripe blueberries.  I sort of procrastinated and didn't make them until the morning of, then agonized over them still being too warm to wrap up, and so I sat with them blaanced on what is left of my lap in front of the air vent on our way to the fair.
Little did I know, across town, a little old lady named Mabel was in her kitchen plotting my defeat.  She must have had spies watching me, maybe even reading this blog, knowing which two divisions I was entering. That is the only way I figure sweet little blue haired Mabel managed to enter BOTH the same categories as I did, and win BOTH of them. Yep, same sweet old Mabel beat me with pickles and strawberry butter bread.

That's ok Mabel, now I know what the competition looks like. Oh yes, I am coming for ya. Maybe it will be with Apple Jam, maybe it will be with a perfected bread recipe I cooked up in a secret lab, or maybe it will be a surprise attack in the dessert section. Just you wait.

But seriously though..... despite my review of "lovely, nice spice, delicious"--Mabel swept the circuit. And don't let the ribbons fool you....they gave those to everyone. Sigh.

But, at the end of the day, as they were carting Mabel's pickles and strawberry butter bread over to the "winners" display case, and yelling at me to get my half eaten loser crap out of their exhibit hall by 5, my family was with me, and were so mad I didn't win, I couldn't help but giggle inside. They were so offended, it was heart-warming. I had no aspirations of winning, but they swore I was "robbed." Hehe.
And, on the way home, my favorite little man in the world ate two of my loser muffins, and exclaimed "mmmm donuts!" as he ate them. Hey, if you can make something with fruit and whole wheat as good as donuts to a six year old....that is a winner in my book.

And he gives his baby brother hugs.....
I can't complain.
Oh, and Mabel, if you DO spy on me, as I suspect you do, don't expect me to make it easy on you and post my big plans for next year's rematch here.....oh no. Sneak attack....just you wait, Granny.
****No Grannys were harmed in the writing of this blog, and for the love of GOD if Mabel really does stumble across this..I am just kidding.....kind of.

Monday, April 8, 2013

Sweet as can BEE!!!

{Photo by Judy J. Sims- Aka, only the coolest Aunt ever}
This weekend was my baby shower, hosted by my stunning Aunt and gorgeous Cousin. your heart out Pinterest, and Martha Stewart.  There are two lovely ladies down here in Texas that can put any fancy magazine cover party to shame. Can it get any cuter!!!? Gah! I was in baby bee heaven!

The party was just stunning, with adorable and stylish details, A-M-A-Z-I-N-G food, and wonderful company.  We had brunch, as all proper southern ladies do on a lovely Saturday.  There were cheesy sausage-y casseroles,  fruit, and croissants, and this amazing grape salad that I must confess, I ate on Sunday morning, and again  this morning for breakfast. (I got to take home the left overs! Wee! One of the perks!)

{Photo by Amy Fetters- I know she throws amazing parties AND takes gorgeous jealous}

My friends and family are so amazing generous, and I was over joyed to spend the morning chatting with some of the most lovely ladies I know over iced tea and pastries.  It just doesn't get any better than that.
{Photo by Amy Fetters- You KNOW you want to Pin it!}

{Copyright Judy J. Sims- but who would want to steal a pic of me anyways.....weirdos}
Our little Colt is seriously set after this shindig.  He has everything he will need to be a happy, healthy and very stylishly dressed little  man when he gets just 15 weeks! EEEK!

I went home and washed all his new tiny clothes and velvety soft blankets in his special baby detergent.  I lovingly sat on  the couch for hours and sorted tiny socks and touched blankets to my face.  I even got the Hubs to help me pick out which outfit Mr. man will wear on his way home from his big debut.

The Hubs also spent the night putting together pac-n-plays and strollers, just so I could see them, then packing them all back away to wait for their little guest. He lets me play house whenever I want.

{The hostesses who created this gorgeous babyshower!}
The Hostess with the Mostest and The Preggo
{Copyright Judy J Sims- again- Don't steal her stuff...:)}
As I type this, my little alien is kicking and spinning around in there like a wild tazmanian devil. He must have enjoyed himself too! (Or atleast the he really liked that)
What a lucky girl I am to have such wonderful family who showered blessings upon me this weekend. **Sigh, deep inhale, perfect.**

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Dinner with Captain Vag, Topless Easter Egg Hunts, and Gardening

Who else gives you a dose of wholesome gardening with a dash of sexual innuedo and overt vagina references!!? hmmm?  I am so priviledged to have you read my blog...granted you probably do it to make yourself feel better about your own life.... kinda like feeling down about yourself, then coming home from Wal-mart feeling like a super model.... Glad I could be of service to the community. I love giving back.

I had to go on a business trip last week all by myself.  While I would love to report that I had an amazing wonderful time and a nice "break" from the day to day, I didn't.  For a few reasons. For starters, I really like my "day to day" and don't really like being away from it.  I like my routine, I like my little country house, I like tucking my monkey in at night, and sleeping in the Hubs' arms.  If anything, my few days away made me love my little routine life more than ever.  The second reason I really didn't have a blast on my trip: I am 6 months pregnant.  I was invited to countless open bar parties thrown by hip vendors hoping to secure my business.  All the while, 'knocked up me' is only able to sip Sprite and waddle back to my room at 8pm.  Still,  that was not the main reason being pregnant at a Homeland Security Conference is no fun. It is no fun because most of the people in the field are men.  Pregnant ladies make men do weird things.  They make them nervous, they make them twitchy, and most of all make them say things they shouldn't.  One particular gentleman felt the need to touch my belly every time he saw me and talk to the baby, not me.  Mind you, I have only met this man a handful of times.  It never failed though, every time I saw him, (multiple times per day) he felt the need to touch my stomach and talk in a weird, creepy voice aimed at my midsection.  What I hated to tell him was that he was touching the top of my stomach, and thus he was really only lovingly carressing my intenstines and stomach, so thanks for giving my lunch remains a pep talk, they really do appreciate it.  They are probably making some lovely poo as you caress them..... I started hiding from him by the third day. Seriously.
Then there was the most awkward dinner conversation of my entire life. As I sat at a table of work colleagues, many of which I have never met,  the stranger next to me decided to bring up my apparent situation. Without so much as a "how do you do," or at least buying my dinner first...he asked about my vagina. Yep.  This strange man turned to me over my shrimp pasta and said " you plan to have a natural vaginal birth?" Um....excuse me? Hello, have we met? I know this belly here indicates  that something large will be exiting my vagina soon, but do we really have to discuss it over dinner, and I am sorry...what was your name again? I should have asked him something just as offensive. Or maybe just pretended not be pregnant at all and pretended to start crying. Maybe I should have said "Do you plan on having a natural testicle and penis reconstruction when I finish ripping yours off?" But no, I nervously laughed and the best I could muster was "um....let's not talk my vagina like it isn't here, shall we?" 
You would think this guy would take the hint, move on from the subject of vag's, but no...he then proceeded to tell me about his wife having a "Vbac" birth and then explaining this is "vaginal birth after cesarean"  Yeah, I've read 'What to Expect When You are Expecting' douche canoe, I got it....Again, more talk of her vagina, and how  "we labored at home, and did things natural"  First off douche-sicle: "we" labored at home?  "WE??"- yeah assclown, she labored at home naturally, you sat there and probably talked awkwardly about vaginas and played Xbox. Then he asked me "Do you plan to do it natural, what is your birth plan?"  This guy doesn't quit! At this point every other man in hearing distance at my table has stopped eating and is nervously watching this situation like you watch a shark eating a baby seal: a mixture of disgust, horror, and a little excitement. I responded "hmmmm...birth I plan to squirt this kid out and not die...that's the plan; otherwise I will just wing it" Thank God there was a lovely gentleman to my right who decided to change the dinner subject to squirrels that eat his tomato plants. Now there is a guy I could eat dinner with.

And with that lovely segway from vaginas to garden plants... what?.... Bet you didn't think I could pull that one off did you?  Ha, you underestimate my powers of incorporating my weird life filled with female reproductive parts and gardening.  My spring garden is doing FABULOUSLY!!!  I have to brag, I couldn't be happier. I have so much lettuce and spinach that I am harvesting it daily and still have tons growing. And our zucchini, tomatoes, peppers and radishes are coming in nicely.  We also planted asparagus, basil, dill, strawberries , and blueberries, all of which are at varying levels of awesomeness. I asked the Hubs to water my garden while I was gone.  The plants must like him better than me....
Easter brought my family together as always, and we had a wonderful weekend with family and hilarious kids. And hey, what is a good weekend without an impromptu Topless Easter egg hunt, hmmm?
{He cracks me up.....hehehe...ok sorry}
So, I am back in town, back to my little comfy life, and back to only talking about vaginas in my blog posts. Thank GAWD life is back to normal.