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Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Dinner with Captain Vag, Topless Easter Egg Hunts, and Gardening

Who else gives you a dose of wholesome gardening with a dash of sexual innuedo and overt vagina references!!? hmmm?  I am so priviledged to have you read my blog...granted you probably do it to make yourself feel better about your own life.... kinda like feeling down about yourself, then coming home from Wal-mart feeling like a super model.... Glad I could be of service to the community. I love giving back.

I had to go on a business trip last week all by myself.  While I would love to report that I had an amazing wonderful time and a nice "break" from the day to day, I didn't.  For a few reasons. For starters, I really like my "day to day" and don't really like being away from it.  I like my routine, I like my little country house, I like tucking my monkey in at night, and sleeping in the Hubs' arms.  If anything, my few days away made me love my little routine life more than ever.  The second reason I really didn't have a blast on my trip: I am 6 months pregnant.  I was invited to countless open bar parties thrown by hip vendors hoping to secure my business.  All the while, 'knocked up me' is only able to sip Sprite and waddle back to my room at 8pm.  Still,  that was not the main reason being pregnant at a Homeland Security Conference is no fun. It is no fun because most of the people in the field are men.  Pregnant ladies make men do weird things.  They make them nervous, they make them twitchy, and most of all make them say things they shouldn't.  One particular gentleman felt the need to touch my belly every time he saw me and talk to the baby, not me.  Mind you, I have only met this man a handful of times.  It never failed though, every time I saw him, (multiple times per day) he felt the need to touch my stomach and talk in a weird, creepy voice aimed at my midsection.  What I hated to tell him was that he was touching the top of my stomach, and thus he was really only lovingly carressing my intenstines and stomach, so thanks for giving my lunch remains a pep talk, they really do appreciate it.  They are probably making some lovely poo as you caress them..... I started hiding from him by the third day. Seriously.
Then there was the most awkward dinner conversation of my entire life. As I sat at a table of work colleagues, many of which I have never met,  the stranger next to me decided to bring up my apparent situation. Without so much as a "how do you do," or at least buying my dinner first...he asked about my vagina. Yep.  This strange man turned to me over my shrimp pasta and said " you plan to have a natural vaginal birth?" Um....excuse me? Hello, have we met? I know this belly here indicates  that something large will be exiting my vagina soon, but do we really have to discuss it over dinner, and I am sorry...what was your name again? I should have asked him something just as offensive. Or maybe just pretended not be pregnant at all and pretended to start crying. Maybe I should have said "Do you plan on having a natural testicle and penis reconstruction when I finish ripping yours off?" But no, I nervously laughed and the best I could muster was "um....let's not talk my vagina like it isn't here, shall we?" 
You would think this guy would take the hint, move on from the subject of vag's, but no...he then proceeded to tell me about his wife having a "Vbac" birth and then explaining this is "vaginal birth after cesarean"  Yeah, I've read 'What to Expect When You are Expecting' douche canoe, I got it....Again, more talk of her vagina, and how  "we labored at home, and did things natural"  First off douche-sicle: "we" labored at home?  "WE??"- yeah assclown, she labored at home naturally, you sat there and probably talked awkwardly about vaginas and played Xbox. Then he asked me "Do you plan to do it natural, what is your birth plan?"  This guy doesn't quit! At this point every other man in hearing distance at my table has stopped eating and is nervously watching this situation like you watch a shark eating a baby seal: a mixture of disgust, horror, and a little excitement. I responded "hmmmm...birth I plan to squirt this kid out and not die...that's the plan; otherwise I will just wing it" Thank God there was a lovely gentleman to my right who decided to change the dinner subject to squirrels that eat his tomato plants. Now there is a guy I could eat dinner with.

And with that lovely segway from vaginas to garden plants... what?.... Bet you didn't think I could pull that one off did you?  Ha, you underestimate my powers of incorporating my weird life filled with female reproductive parts and gardening.  My spring garden is doing FABULOUSLY!!!  I have to brag, I couldn't be happier. I have so much lettuce and spinach that I am harvesting it daily and still have tons growing. And our zucchini, tomatoes, peppers and radishes are coming in nicely.  We also planted asparagus, basil, dill, strawberries , and blueberries, all of which are at varying levels of awesomeness. I asked the Hubs to water my garden while I was gone.  The plants must like him better than me....
Easter brought my family together as always, and we had a wonderful weekend with family and hilarious kids. And hey, what is a good weekend without an impromptu Topless Easter egg hunt, hmmm?
{He cracks me up.....hehehe...ok sorry}
So, I am back in town, back to my little comfy life, and back to only talking about vaginas in my blog posts. Thank GAWD life is back to normal. 


  1. HEH!!! I Love the plumber crack...well, crack.

  2. If someone said you would be reading something with this title I would have told them how crazy they were! But.....Hail Captain Vag! Lol