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Wednesday, May 1, 2013

He Can't be This Big

Today is my Mom's Birthday! As a birthday gift to her, I am blogging.  She recently reminded me that she checks my blog everyday, and I have been So, for her, I decided to do some writing today. 
There hasn't seemed to be much to share lately. Nothing super creative.  Things are kind of quiet right now, the "calm before the storm" I guess, since my baby is due in 2.5 months. Work has been steady, and rewarding, but calm.  Home has been relatively drama free, and pretty routine and calm. The Hubs has even had a pretty light load lately at work, no crazy 5 day murderer chases. And no hilarious Monkey stories of him stirring the fish tank or coating his walls with baby powder. And then this morning, it hit me. He is growing up. That is why things are so much calmer, my little Monkey is getting big, and independent, and needing me less and less.

He gets himself up most mornings while I am in the shower.   He turns on his own cartoons, fixes himself a drink (with no spills AND a coaster under it I might add!) He picks out his own clothes by pushing this little brown leather ottoman around his room so he can reach his drawers and hangers. He even does a really good job matching his clothes. Granted, he refuses to wear anything new my mother has lovingly purchased for him, and is very attached to his old, slightly too small t-shirts. But, that is ok.
My little Monkey has Autism. I don't like to say he is "Autistic," because I don't like that to define him, because it doesn't.  He is so much more. I assume for many moms, having a 6 year old who can dress himself, get himself up, and fix a drink, is not a big deal. For me, it is huge. More and more, he doesn't need his Riri (what he calls me) to do things for him anymore. And today, for the first time, I felt the hurt.
I hadn't really let myself notice it before until this morning. I had been so busy being so proud of him for becoming so independent and self reliant, that I didn't notice the little hurt in me that he needs me less and less. When does that creep up on you? It just does, when you least expect it. As his speech improves every single day, he needs me to interpret him to the world less and less. Although, I still feel like no one can quite understand all his words as much as I do....just sayin.. ;)
When I first met my Monkey, he was tiny. He wore a bulky diaper that made his little booty stick out, and he didn't speak at all. He used sign language to communicate. I fell in love immediately. When his Daddy asked me to marry him, I knew what that meant. I wasn't just marrying the Hubs, I was marrying the little hearts he brought with him, and I was ok with that, because they already had mine.
{He is 3 here. Look at those cheeks}

The monkey is still small for his age, but his chubby cheeks are slimming, and his diaper booty is now a big boy boxer brief wearing one! He doesn't need me to lift him into the car anymore, he doesn't need me to brush his teeth anymore, he doesn't need me to change his diapers, or help him get dressed. Where does it all go? You blink and they are big. You spend your time praying, working, crying over the fact that this damned disorder won't let my little boy speak, or do things for himself, and pray that someday he will.....and then he does. And there you stand, so proud, so excited, and heart broken at the same time.
This morning, while I put on my make-up and the Hubs shaved his face, the Monkey wandered into our room and lifted a stuffed elephant rattle out of the basinet that sits and waits for our newest little man. My Monkey hugged the elephant and told me 'E, E is for Elephant" I told him that was going to be the baby's toy, but he could play with it too. I asked him if he was going to show his little brother all of his toys, and teach him about all the cool adventures his cars, and farm animals have. "He is going to need his big brother to teach him all about the cool stuff your toys do" I know he will. Monkey needs a playmate. Right now he is content to play with our old Bloodhound, and she is in love with him, like love of her life in love. He is content to ask me to play with him, and his Daddy is his best friend at the moment, but he will soon prefer the company of little friends, and kids his own age.
{She stands a vigilant guard while he plays}

Even with my little Alien who is in my belly, it is going so fast. He is almost here, and I feel like we just found out I was pregnant. It is going to go just as fast when he arrives, if not faster. And I can't make it slow down. I know there are going to be days that I pray to just "make it through" but those days will pass, just like all the others, and there I will be again, standing in my kitchen, realizing another little man needs me less and less everyday.
It is what we strive so hard as parents to do, to make our kids self sufficient, to make them self reliant, and independent and strong. No one wants their 10 year old still needing to be dressed like an infant. So tell me why it still hurts so much?
I told the Monkey the other evening that even though I am having this little Alien, he will ALWAYS be my baby, and he will always be my first son. He will always be special, because he is like no other  child or person I have ever met. And anyone who knows him, will tell you the same. He is like no other.

Momma, on your birthday, I want you to have a wonderful day. As I have journeyed through motherhood, in my strange, backward way, I have often told you, that I never understood so many things you went through as a mother. You just can't until you experience them. And now I know what it feels like. You tell the story of the day you dropped me off at kindergarten and I told you "bye mommy" and walked off; not scared, not needing you at all. And you cried all the way home. Well, I get that now. I get it. I am there. I am the one standing there, watching him walk away, fighting back tears and not knowing why.
{His birthday ribbon and pencil he got at school, he was so proud}

He will be finishing Kindergarten soon, and entering first grade in August. Someone please tell me when I jumped in the time machine with Doc Brown....I need to go back.


  1. Wow! What a touching story. I had no idea. What a sweet boy and a sweet, sweet mama to go with him. That was a big commitment to take on and you were the best one for the job. :)

    1. Oh Thank you, what kind words. Thank you, thank you

  2. Oh my special Tizzy! Boy did you tell it so eloquently! You captured it all! You know how you said you came to motherhood backwards- we wouldn't expect it to be any different with you because you see - you are our special & awesome little girl standing in a pink Jean dress going into kindergarten to us forever! I love you baby girl!!!

  3. Once again you prove just how amazing you are at writing. I've been present through everything you just wrote about, yet it made my face slightly leaky to read it from your perspective.

    You are an amazing mom, a beautiful person, and my best friend. Thank you for writing this about our lil man.

    1. Your comment made ME tear up. I love you so much

  4. Well dang! You done got me "leaky" as hubs would say. I always marvel at how God works and this was just another of His miracles. He brought you and hubs together for more than one reason. I enjoy reading your stories and like you mother; I check often and always feel a little disappointed when you haven't written any new stories. I also understand that in 2-3 months the stories will be more plentiful yet we'll not get to read them as you'll be busy with special little family.

    I truly feel blessed to know you and your special family, Miranda.

    1. Oh ya'lls comments are just too much. Thank you! I love all of you back so much!