Search This Blog

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Shit just got Real

{Looking good sister...looking good}
(source- Loiusville Courier/ Money talk)

The Real Stages of Pregnancy:

So many books and websites sugar coat this whole being knocked up thing. This beautiful miracle they call it. I am here to give you a real pregnancy timeline as seen through my eyes....because, as you know, I am an expert on everything. Well maybe not everything, maybe just cookies and cream ice cream,  but you get the idea.

Weeks 0-5- You are pretty much blissfully unaware you are pregnant, then you get that panicky feeling like..wait..what day is it? I? No....  then you find yourself in the family planning aisle of Target debating over whether you should splurge on the name brand pregnancy test, or just get the cheap-o one, and hope for the best. (Get the will end up taking 3 anyways, if you are nuerotic like me... I still have one under my bathroom sink because they came in a multi- pack. Now I have no idea what to do with it. I have considered peeing on it now and leaving it in some Walgreen's restroom, for everyone to find....just to freak everyone out and watch them try to find the person who couldn't wait to get out of the store to take the test.)

Weeks 5-12- You are so excited. You are telling everyone you  know, so many questions, so many books and websites to read.  You have purchased all the books, and get daily emails updating you on your baby that looks like a alien platypus and is the size of a grape.  oh, this is just so much fun, I am going to explode with baby excitement. (Oh just you wait skinny WILL!)

Weeks 12-22- You can't wait to have a cute pregnant belly, You are so excited it is starting to show. Yay! I'm gonna go buy cute adorable maternity clothes. Oh, was that a kick? I am not sure? I can't stop looking at my tiny cute baby tummy! Yay!

Weeks 22-29- You start to get a little more scared...Um, ok, so wow, I am getting pretty big now, um, even my maternity clothes are getting tight. Wow, this belly is not as cute anymore. Oh crap, I ripped another one of these stupid gawd- awful stretchy pants that have the quality of a fine dollar store dinner napkin and yet cost a fortune. I am really tired of every stranger I see asking me if I am almost due. And this baby kicks so much, wow, I love it, but I didn't know he would kick so much. I am freaking out that the baby will be here in only 18 weeks! Ahh! So much to do!

Weeks 30-40- You are D.O.N.E. Good God I am huge. I need new clothes, but I don't want to buy any. Oh well,  I will just walk around in my underwear, that works. Strangers keep feeling sorry for me, a Jamaican man in the frozen food section asked if I was carrying  triplets. My husband had a dream that I looked like Jabba the Hut....not far off. Oh please baby stop kicking me so I can sleep. Never mind, I just have to pee again. How many more days!?!? Are you serious?.... that is an eternity, get him out nowwwwwwww!

Thank you, have a nice day.


  1. You really do seem pretty miserable, and I can understand why!

    What I don't understand is why your picture up there is of me? Are you trying to tell me something?

    I love you Beautiful, and that little Pistol will be here before you know it.

    Ok, I guess you'll know when he gets here,not much of a surprise there....

  2. LMAO! My girls apt description! I think people are starting to understand this is how we see most situations in life! Are we the weird ones? Hummmm...... ? Maybe we are the sane ones! Nah! Now that is a funny statement! Sadly Hubs fits right in! Now there's a question for you? How did that happen? We must be starting to attract em!! Baby girl I think you will be the first to know when hes coming! Well hopefully