Yup...and he still has 2 months left to go.....yay for Mother's Day.
Welp, it is that time again. Time for me to randomly spew forth strangeness that I find hilarious. I checked my blog stats today and found out my new key word searches that bring me traffic are "I think I have a tape worm" and "Hot fat pregnant chick" "Toples easter egg hunting"
Someone is really Googling that? It makes me sorta creeped out to know so many bizarre perverts who Google things like "topless easter egg hunt" "hot fat pregnant chick" are viewing my site. I do feel sorry for the tapeworm people though. I would totally be freaking out if I really thought I had a tapeworm, and would just want to cry when I found this site mocking me and my possible parasitic demon possession. Sorry tape worm people. Try Web MD, bet they will have better info. I am just an ass-hat who compares pregnancy to tapeworms...sorry I offended you :(
As for all you pervos who Googled Topless Easter Egg Hunts and Hot Fat Pregnant Chicks....stop being weird! Here is my advice for you: Google things like "how to talk to a girl" and "what never to say to a girl" and "why do girls find me creepy" those will benefit you son, oh and get a haircut and get a real job. Just a hunch...but I bet I am right.
I am sort of offended and flattered that Google apparently thinks I am "hot, pregnant, and fat" all at the same time. That is a tough one to manage....but apparently I pull it off. Score one for me!
To save some semblance of sanity to this post, In honor of Mother's Day this weekend I thought I would compile a list of all the things I have said since becoming a mother that I never thought I would say. Plus, this should be good for my Google hits!
Sometimes I wish I had my own reality show where someone followed me around with a camera, just so they could capture all these random things and compile them into a badass clip show musical montage. Until A&E realizes I am so interesting....you will have to be content with my list.
Things Mothers Say that No One Ever Should
1. Do not use your hair as a napkin
2. Do not put that bacon on your scab
3. Did you just put Ranch on a banana?
4. If you bleed on it, please put it in the wash, not back with the clean towels
5. Take that other kid's shoes off your hands now
6. That is horse poop, not balls to play with
7. Do not drink the chicken water
8. Do not karate chop the chickens
9. Do not feed the chickens grass out of your mouth
10. How did you get water on the ceiling...and on the light fixture? (The Hubs actually said this one)
11. Keep your pants on in Chik-fila this is a Christian Place!
12. Don't cook the baby
13. Stop licking your arm in public, people will think we are weird
14. You have to pick one: donuts or cheeseburgers, we certainly aren't going to eat both.
15. Stop reading that book and do what I told you
Granted, some of these would only apply to country folk like ourselves, who's poor children have to figure out the difference in horse manure and a play thing, as well as appropriate chicken interaction....but hey....it will make 'em well rounded.
Happy Mother's Day everybody! Just remember this mother's day, when you receive a homemade flower vase made from an old milk container..... it could be worse...you could actually have a tapeworm....or have the kid who Googled "topless Easter egg hunt." See...don't I always make you feel better :)