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Monday, August 12, 2013

Adventures in Boobyland

I am sure I am inadvertently ripping off some porn title that is copyrighted with this post. I am too scared to Google it and find out.  If I am ripping off your porn title, a. sorry, any likeness between the two is completely accidental, b. don't worry, I am sure you will make way more money with your "Boobyland" than I will, and c. read on, you may find that while my Adventures in Boobyland are not nearly as fun as yours, you may still find mine entertaining at least.

So...I had decided long before my Little Piglet was born that I wanted to breastfeed him.  All the books and websites promote how beneficial it is. I even purchased a book called "The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding" and read it cover to cover. Quite the "hippy'" title if you ask me, but it certainly made me aware that I would be damned straight to hell if I even considered feeding my child anything but breast milk.

Then Piglet was born, with a little problem....his tongue, it was "tied" to the bottom of his mouth. I tried my best to nurse him for his first week of life. Oh. dear. Lord... it was so hard. No one told me that due to his tongue tie, his latch would be shallow and cause me a great deal of pain. Like every single time I nursed him I had tears spring forth from my eyes involuntarily from the spine wrenching pain. I toughed through it though, thinking maybe I was just needing to "get used to it."

Then we made our first trip to the pediatrician. He said quite casually "So, are we going to clip his tongue tie?  I can't imagine how you have been able to nurse so far..." Um...what....
Yes, apparently it is nearly impossible to nurse a tongue tied baby. That would have been nice to know! The pediatrician assured us that clipping the tiny skin that tied his tongue would make nursing a breeze, and help the Piglet later in life with speech and teeth cleaning. OK, sounds win win.

We went to get the procedure done. Public Service Announcement, if anyone ever asks you to hold your 6 day old newborn while they cut ANYTHING on his body...tell them to shove it up their doctor ass. I held him, and he bled and screamed, and I cried hysterically. Once the blood bath was complete we went home to start our new breastfeeding chapter: "easy breezy" the Doctor told me.

Um..wrong again. It was like my baby forgot how to nurse. This new tongue freedom made him seem incapable of nursing! What!? Great, now what!? Why did I make my baby endure this horrendous surgery just to make it where he couldn't eat at all!!? ( Again, all things seem much more dramatic when you are exhausted from childbirth and no sleep, just FYI; and ya know..I am dramatic)

So, next comes the "lactation specialist."  Aka: Adventures in Boobyland. The doctor felt that a Boob Specialist would help our new found breast feeding issues.

The Hubs and I met the next day with a precious old lady, she was 78 years old, and told us she could help anyone get nursing right. So, for the next two hours, the Hubs sat awkwardly in a hard doctor's office chair, while a 78 year old grandmother felt me up, shoved my boobs around, shoved my baby's head onto my boob, it was just peachy.

While I sat there with my boobs out, she made conversation with the Hubs and asked him what he did for a living.  He explained he was a police detective. "Ohh, you must know my son"  She then gave a name of a fellow officer my husband did in fact know well. She then continued on about when she nursed him, and how she had trouble despite having large breasts..."  Then she turned to me and discussed some exercises I could do to help my milk flow. "You have to fluff the pillows, Honey" She said sweetly. Then demonstrating with her own boobs, she began "fluffing" her own boobs and shaking them around.  "Now attention, you can help her remember all these exercises"

I felt the Hubs crawling inside himself. If he could have made himself any smaller he would have become invisible. Not only was his friend and fellow police officer's mother feeling up his wife, talking about HIS nursing,  now she "fluffed" her granny boobs and asked him to watch carefully. The poor Hubs.... what had been seen could not be unseen.

We finally left the Granny Boob Fluffing session, and were instructed to go get two herbal supplements for me to take in order to increase my milk supply.  So, off to the Hippy Herb Shop.  I was greeted by the smell of patchouli and a cat roaming freely as I entered the shop. A lovely plump woman, who resembled Ron Wesley's mother in Harry Potter, greeted me next. She wore a macramé vest, and long broom skirt. Is this real? I asked myself. I awkwardly handed her a sheet of paper with the names of herbs written on them. She looked at the sheet, then lovingly looked up at me, and said "Ohhh, some one must be breastfeeding" Oh yay, more people talking about my boobs.  I left the hippy shop with $30 worth in two small bottles of herbs, which I was instructed to take 3 of 3 times a day....that is 18 capsules! Holy Hippy Boobs! What!?

Once at home, Piglet still had trouble nursing. I found myself crying nearly everyday over nursing. Finally we decided to just pump and feed him pumped milk from a bottle. And it is working fantastically. He is happy and fat, I am happy, and no longer crying from frustration or pain, and now Hubs can feed him at 2am...ok maybe not so happy for him :) Our lesson: just do what works for you, and follow your own gut when it comes to your baby.

Who ever thought I would do an entire post about Boobs! Ok...well maybe not that far fetched...I have no filter, as you know.

It is good to be back to blogging...I have missed everyone!