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Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Me vs. Elliot

So...my little Piglet has been suffering from a stuffy, runny nose all week. Poor fellow. I decided to get him a cool mist humidifier to help his congestion while he sleeps. I have this fear that his nose will somehow get so stuffed up that he will suffocate. I know this is probably very  unlikely in reality, but in my head, it is most likely going to happen. This is why I dragged the huge pac-n-play into our room Monday night so the Piglet could sleep a mere 3 inches from my face, you know, in case of snot suffocation. I could swoop in with the nose sucker bulb thing and save his tiny life. He didn't require nose sucking saving and slept through the night, whew. Anywho, back to the humidifier. I found this adorable one shaped like an Elephant who blows the steam out of his trunk...how cute. Immediately the Monkey wanted to play with it and quickly filled the water tank with his Monster trucks...hhhh....Who wouldn't... it looked like the elephant had a belly full of monster trucks. 

Bed time arrived with it's usual fury of cleaning up dinner, bathing children, and hearing the Hubs say "don't just suck the toothpaste off...brush... oh fine let me do it for you...". Then the Hubs got called away to work, and I was left to my own devices to figure out this cheerful elephant steam blower thing. His name is Elliot, it says so on the box.

Easy enough I thought. Fill with water...turn on..instant non baby death. Easy peasy, I went to college. First line of directions, bolded:

"DO NOT place humidifier on carpet, wood, a towel, or tile surface. Elevate humidifier two feet above the ground, on a level, lint free, water resistant surface."

Hmmmm..... um, what? The floor next to the crib is carpet, the floor adjacent to the crib is tile (bathroom) and the dresser next to the crib is wood, and I can't cover any of them with a towel....um what exactly would they like me to place this thing on? My mind continued on:  maybe a chair..no all my chairs are wood... hmm...maybe flip over a plastic trash can, wait that seems very unstable and much more dangerous...maybe the...no, or the...no.  Maybe this thing should come with it's own special stand made of Titanium Carbide or Tungsten...is that allowable? Giving up hope on finding a suitable surface, I moved on to the next section: the plugging in of my Cheeky little Elliot.
"Plugging in device: Be sure plug is atleast 2 feet away from device, and located preferably above the device"  OK, I can see the logic in this: water spillage+ electricity= bad. But..um didn't they tell me to elevate this thing 2 feet on some surface made of moon rocks...so my plug needs to be 4 feet off the ground...like chest level? Do you have a chest level plug in your home, with no wood, tile, or carpet near it? No? Me either. Then I started to even investigate where the plugs were in the room..
hmmm....prolly not the best place to plug in my electrified water squirting death machine. You know, inside the crib slats and all.  Also, note to self, get baby plug protector things STAT...

So exhausted at the ridiculous demands of the Cheeky bastard Elliot requiring his own personal 4 foot tall electrical outlet and his own bed made of nothing but leaves from the Himalayan jungle... I just did this:
Yep, there is Ol' Elliot the steam shooting death machine, his little feet half on tile, half on carpet, not elevated, and his cord stretched across a doorway, cause that was the only plug I could find not next to the baby's head. Super safe indeed.

And then...this guy started feeling much better...

 
So...we ended up not even using Mr. Steamy the Elephant of Death.... I changed his name.
Happy Hump day.





Friday, October 11, 2013

My week as a single mother

This week I officially experienced single motherhood...to three. The Hubs was away on a business trip to Colorado. So, I was left to hold down the fort here in Texas with a 15 year old, 6  year old, and 3 month old. I had lofty goals for myself this week, lofty I say.

So my lofty goals included :
1. Get all three children to school or grandma's house on time, and then get myself to work on time.
2. Make a crockpot meal every night so that we can eat something at 7:30 pm when I finally get home from picking all three of them up at different locations spanning the entire county. (No, seriously)
3. Wear matching clothes to work every day, and have my hair fixed and makeup done.
4.  Pack my lunch every day so that I can run laps on my lunch break. See flabby butts for more information on that.

Mitigating Factors:
 The Monkey loses his shit when The Hubs goes away...I have yet to pinpoint exactly why this happens, but as soon as that man leaves  for an over night stay, that little boy turns into one of the children from Nannie McPhee.  Day 1: Email home from teacher about behavior. Day 2:  After school sitter, told me we "needed to talk" when I arrived. Day 3: Phone call at work from teacher. The Monkey's teacher has been with him for 2 years, all I had to say was "The Hubs is out of town" and she slapped her leg and said "I knew it!" Yup....it is like clockwork.

The Piglet decided that the week his father leaves the state would be the perfect time to start teething...oh yay.
{Nom Nom Nom- notice the ninja foot extended- back up woman...I am chewing for my life here}


The oldest, Sissy Bug, is much more self-sufficient, but still requires "carting around" as my mother would say, and must be picked up from high school theater practice every afternoon. She also left her key at school and locked herself out of the house on Wednesday and required me leave work and come rescue her. I wanted to make her suffer for her irresponsibility, and just wait on the porch for me until I got home....but there is a road crew currently re-digging our ditches....she is a gorgeous blonde 15 year old who is very friendly.....not a good idea. And I figured the Hubs would divorce me if I didn't at least keep all of his children alive and not kidnapped while he was gone.....jeez...high standards.

So here is what I REALLY Accomplished this week:

1. The Piglet slept through the night for the first time...teething and all....(There is a God) I would like to take credit for this, with some fantastic tale of how I "sleep train" my child or some other fanciful parenting book malarkey I mastered, but no. This was sheer dumb luck. When I woke up at 4:45am and realized I hadn't been up since 10:30pm the night before; I did a triple take. First I checked to make sure some intruder hadn't stolen my baby in the night. Yes, that was my first logical assumption. If you knew me, you would understand. Once I saw him sleeping peacefully, I counted the bottles on the dresser...it is VERY possible I woke up, fed the baby, and have no recollection of said event whatsoever. But no...all of my pre-prepared night bottles still sat untouched....wow....
2. I placed a lovely roast in my crockpot on Monday...then forgot to turn it on...story of my LIFE. So I taught SissyBug how to brown ground meat. I feel she is now officially trained enough to live on her own. If you can make spaghetti, you can survive on your own.
4. I packed my lunch 2 days....and ran laps 2 days....however the rest of the week fell a little short. Wednesday I accepted a lunch invitation from a friend, Thursday I had a luncheon meeting, and Friday, well, I just got hungry and ordered tacos. Plus the Carnies (you know- traveling circus/carnival folk) moved in across the street from my work where I run. They are in town for some festival this weekend. They hang on the fence and stare at me while I run.  Is it a compliment that circus people think I am interesting enough to watch? Maybe it was me blasting Blue October Independently Happy from my phone as I ran that grabbed their attention.
5. I did wear makeup 4 of the 5 days, and my clothes matched, although I discovered a hole in one shirt at 2 pm, and spilled coffee down another shirt as I walked out the door. Please see the equation below for explanation:
Carseat carrier filled with 13lb child+huge diaper bag+workout bag+lunch+coffee cup+6 year old letting the screen door slam on you while you hold all of these items like a World's Strong Man contestant=coffee on shirt.
{Me...carrying everything to the car in one load..cause otherwise I would be a pansey,
*not really me}

6. I killed a very scary bug all by myself, without screaming and waking up all the children. I killed him with blunt force trauma from a tube of toothpaste... it was traumatic for both of us. He died, and well, my choice of weapon, while swift, was not the best choice. There I stood in the kid's bathroom, heaving breathless over his finally lifeless body, I felt no remorse after bludgeoning this bug with a tube of Bubble Mint toothpaste with SpongeBob pictured on the tube. He just wouldn't die.

The Hubs comes home tonight...I cannot wait! I miss him so much, He would have surely known a much better choice of bug killing weapon is a Kleenex box or the magazine sitting on the back of the toilet....I panicked...

He did have these delivered to my office on Thursday....He is a keeper.